e s o p h o r i a -all about my imperfections as a confused sinner.

Now playing on the blog: Torn by Natalie Imbruglia

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn't be that man I adored
You don't seem to know, don't seem to care what your heart is for
But I don't know him anymore
There's nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
Thats what's going on, nothing's fine Im torn

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late,
I'm already torn

So I guess the fortune teller's right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and nowI don't care,
I have no luck, I don't miss it all that much
There's just so many things that I can't touch,I'm torn

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late, I'm already torn. torn.

-----

Now, there's this little tub of Ben and Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk right in front of me. It was an entire fiasco trying to resist that scrumptious,delectable ice cream. As it is, i am already having problems assimilating the heavy dinner i've had last night.

On the contrary, i think i DO need some cheering up. I'll deal with that myself. Its not anyone's fault and therefore,its all to myself and i've gotta deal with it. Yes, i know that very well. :)

I'm fine. :)

I wonder if the feeling about loving someone too much,does exist. Too much? Thats the controversial part about it,i guess. Perhaps,that's an indication of the inability to let go of a loved one. Then comes the part about being so attached to someone,and to whether or not its a good thing. After giving it some thought, it all depends on whether we're comfortable with it,or not. Afterall,it is only a problem when its not unanimous.

Lately,there's been an increase incidents in everyday life that pisses me off. Its either the decadance of basic public etiquette and culture in Singapore, or the decadance... ... is in me. Blatantly, the answer is me. I've become much more temperamental than i used to be - which is bad. Little things irk me.

Thus, i've decided to take a step back,fuck care about the things that happens around me and confine myself...to myself. Here's the ideology behind my decision.

Afterall, i don't gain anything when i care about others. I can't change them. So, why bother getting worked up about it? Its their choice if they wanna continue their illicit,degrading ways blindly. I don't want to be spending a good part of my life TRYING to change them or understand. There's nothing to change and nothing to understand. Now, you see, its because the word 'change' never appears when they reflect - wait, do they EVEN reflect? Or,they elude by claiming its 'just their character' and it can't be helped. These fools and their bullcrap. And LETS SAY, after a long,painstaking process that probably costed me half my life, the person is a renewed soul...yes, i feel the elating sense of satisfaction,and probably have a better companion to hang out with. That's all,pathetically. Then,you realise, 'shit, i'm old'. But you never did what you wanted to do. Who believes that it pays to do someone good or have good intentions of another,nowadays?

There,you have it. A piece of my mind.

Yimmie's a nasty ogre inside, huh? :)

I'm yours,forever,love.Believe me,would you?

Andrea Yim
2:54 PM

Today was one of the busiest days throughout the entire week. First it was school,then speech day rehearsal,then arcade bonanza at PS,then lunch at Colin's,then...tennis trainings,then dog walk at 9:30pm,finally... ... home sweet home.

After a what-seemed-like-eternity tennis training...we could finally clear the court and go off.I lugged my belongings and made my way to the car. Thank God someone drives me home! :) Somewhere on the way back, i felt like running. I decided to take my not-so-little-yet-not-so-big dog out for a while.Guilt was like an admonishing finger that reprimanded me of my negligence towards her(Faith,my dog). Yeah,i admit i've been neglecting her lately.

So,i took her lamb formula treat and sliced it into two carefully,with her retractable leash in the other hand and whistled for the loyal companion of mine.I could hear the enthusiasm from the jingle of the lisense plate on her metal choker leash.She sped to me,jumping up and down as if she couldn't contain the excitement that raged in her.The intelligent canine knew i was going to accompany her out for a cool walk in the night.She was DELIRIOUS. I chuckled at her with mixed feelings.

I felt sorry. She seemed deprived of her daily walks which showed that im a lousy owner.Which i really am.But at the same moment, i felt happy just seeing the joy in her. She didnt change at al. She still ran ahead of me, looking back from time to time making sure i'm in sight. She crossed the road only when i crossed. It was a short walk.

I arived at the park/playground,pleasantly surprised by the new introduction of a white bunny amongst the 3 black others. They were extremely adorable. Fatih played a round of catching with them,still keeping her distance making sure she doesn't scare them away.Then, she trotted around and sat below me to rest.

Settled in the middle of the enitre park, i was comforted by the towering trees that provided excellent shade. The breeze was light and cool. In addition to that, the dimly lit park had a tendency of lulling me to sleep. I sat there and thought...nothing's free in this world.Or, there's no such thing as free lunches. But, we often take God for granted.

I'm not saying that all you are baddies- lousy people cos you sin... I sin too. I wouldn't want to keep a track of them cos they'll just make me feel depressed. hat's how bad it is. But, i realised that many sin not on purpose BUT because of the deceptive world we live in today. Atrociously marred by decadance and corruption.Blemished would be too light,a word.

The bible clearly stated in the new testament that its never easy to be a christian...who follows the word righteously and faithfully.Sometimes,we sin without even realising it. Because everyone's doing it. Its a norm. And of cos, you're a norm right? Bullcrap. I dont know what im talking about...

Excuse me.

I'll reconsolidate my thoughts and blog again sometime soon. ;)

Thank you, my faithful readers! :) Whoever you are :)

i'm missing you love

Andrea Yim
12:26 AM

There I was,alone. Sitting at my desk - a little dark figure,slumped into the comfort of the office chair,reflected on the grey wall. I t was yet another attempt to study, in my room. I have to admit,the dim lighting gave my room a warm cosy ambience: conducive for a good rest/sleep. Thus, attempts to study often weigh me down in lethargy instead.

The rhythmic whirling of the ceiling fan penetrated through the still air,resounding in my head. My phone vibrated.A message!that is. I jerked slightly,with excitement.An unexpected surprise! Picking up my phone, eager to find out who the sender was. Elation overwhelmed me after reading it. I was thrilled.

I could figure that i had a vivid semblance to that of a little girl who was day dreaming and smiling to herself. The smile never faded away. It stayed. My shadow,now upright, with my head bowed as i tapped away swiftly on the keypad.

The silly grin that hung on my face never seemed to recede. I decided to spend the rest of my freetime more productively.I murmured to myself incoherently,as i willed myself to complete my assignments.I trudged my way downstairs, to the hall.

As soon as i saw my estranged mother,she recited a litany of 'reminders' in a rather authoritative tone. 'Damn' i cursed myself silently. 'The humdrum routine of life' i thought listlessly.

your messages,baby,keeps me going throughout the day.everyday.

Andrea Yim
9:41 PM

I just feel like bursting into a bout of tears now. This uneasy feeling that rose from my stomach shot to my nose and eyes. I fought the tears back...and thought.

There is no rhyme or reason as to why I am crying.So,obviously, i shouldn't cry.

Helplessly,a tear cascaded down my cheek as the rest followed,freely. Stubborn natured, i was still trying hard to fight them back.Because, I have totally NO REASON to cry.

I have everything I want.Everything a simple girl would want. A caring and sensitive boyfriend, a complete and whole family plus understanding parents. An abrupt scene interrupted my chain of thoughts. I pictured this lost and lonely trekker amidst a dense jungle.

She pondered upon where she should go, in order to get out of the dark and gloomy jungle. She wanted to see the sunlight again...She longed for the warmth of it that coveted her every morning. The array of golden tones...she missed them.

But,she could only guess...guess which way is the right route that would bring her to her much anticipated for destination.Every step taken in fearful trepidation,as she so much wanted to get out of the dreaded place. She'd been trying...relentlessly. But to no avail.

Do you know what this poor soul would feel like doing?
Well, i guess i know.

She'd really want to take that heavy load off her aching shoulders,fall upon her bruised knees...on the damp bed of leaf litter and cry out to God in acute desperation. She needs Him. She needs Him above all else.

Why is she placed with such emotional adversities?
Too many questions...far too much uncertainties,coupled with petrification.What if she could never see the sunlight again, due to the monstrocity of multiple carnivores that lurk in the darkness within.What if... ...

There were zero answers even when the questions continued to run through her tired mind.

Her distinct sobs faded away slowly, as cool breeze swept across the foliage, as if it indicated the end of a painful phase.In the comfort of the cool moisture,she fell into a deep slumber subconsciously, on the soft bed of decaying brown leaves.

At day break,she arises to the same issues she'll have to face...
She also has to worry about the food ration that depletes at a threatening rate...

Till she finds her OWN way out-where she'd want to be.

Baby, you're my favourite accident.

Andrea Yim
4:15 PM

Now, here i am...sick...again.

I don't know what's wrong with me nowadays...I keep falling sick. Just had throat infection one or two weeks back.Maybe my body's immune system is going down the drain. But i exercise regularly...how can i be deemed unfit??? *ponders silently*

So, I'm bored. Happened to be YouTube-ing and found an interesting clip.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=yjC11RKtPco&search=david%20belle
Its insanely inhumane.

Yes, i've cut down on my blogsposts lately cos there's nothing much in my life. Everythings fine and well...so there's nothing much to talk about.

Class gathering on the 22nd July at Joycelyn's condo. ;) Miss Yuen farewell...heh.I'm not sure if i'm going. Meanwhile, i need to brush up my studies! QA for chem... A maths, on the whole and Physics...to chiong!

I'm in a dilemna. There's so much SS homework but i'm not every considering it as one of my subs for O's. In addition to the fact that its time consuming, to complete those brain wrecking assignments.

Just hope the long awaited O's would fly by and i can live in peace. At least, there'll be much more peace in my life, momentarily. Not until the new academic phase of life takes over in a couple of months time from then...

Thanks to all my faithful blog followers who really care. Your concern is much appreciated,really.

3 more days to my baby's birthday. Are you excited??? I am.haha. I just wanna make you happy, hoping that it would override the dreaded fact that you're a year older.I love you.

Andrea Yim
5:35 PM

"Run To Me" by Nick Lachey

Over your head,

Trying not to drown.

Reaching for a breath,

Before it drags you down.

Caught in between,

All the pain you feel,

You lost control,

You're letting go,

But I never will.

I'm holding on for you,

I'm fighting for your life.

And when you're blinded by this jaded world,

I'll be your eyes.

Even if you fall,

I won't let you break.

When all the noise is telling you

To run away,

Run to me.

Day after day,

After all you seen,

Its alright if you feel like unraveling.

I'll be right here.

I'm pushing out the walls,

To find the place,

Where you can say,

Brave through it all.

I'm holding on for you,

I'm fighting for your life.

And when you're blinded by this jaded world,

I'll be your eyes.

Even if you fall,

I won't let you break.

When all the noise is telling you

To run away,

Run to me.

When I was lost,

Hanging on by a thread.

I knew I could run to you,

To find myself again.

I'm holding on for you,

I'm fighting for your life.

And when you're blinded by this jaded world,

I'll be your eyes.

And even when you fall,

I won't let you break.

When all the noise is telling you

To run away,

Run to me.(Baby run to me)

Andrea Yim
7:08 PM