e s o p h o r i a -all about my imperfections as a confused sinner.

I've been blogging quite alot recently. I guess it was this unknown feeling in me that i've been trying to express...I'm losing the battle in search for the answer.

Watched 'I not stupid 2'. The familiar storyline... I seemed to have drowned into the character itself. I saw myself in the movie, in place of 'Jerry'. Like how the movie predict a child of such circumstances would turn out, I thought to myself, 'Hey, I'm not that bad.' I can't deny the fact that torrents of tears trickled down my cheeks silently. I don't know if my mother saw them. It doesn't matter. Deep inside, i was already wailing like a baby. Literally, like a baby.

But after the movie, i told myself, 'I'm gonna blog happy stuff today'. :)
Somehow, my thought was reverted to... 'are you happy?'.

Good question. Am i really happy? I can choose to answer it chirpily and clap my hands to assure the world that I'm fine. I'm not beaten despite whatever happened or is going on. To me, this is an extremely difficult question to face. Or even, reply. I have to give it much thought.

You know what, I am happy,and i am not. This is not the best situation one would want to be in. Trust me. I'm rather happy actually, if only some people don't bother me that much. Too bad,they're the closest kins. So,i'll have to give it a go...

This realisation dawned upon me, and i felt the urge to blog about it. Linking back to the 'I not stupid 2' movie i watched earlier on, most adolescents,like me, given 'jerry's background would have became what he was depicted as, in the movie. But,yes, 'Hey, I'm not that bad'. But i must emphasize on the words 'that bad'. I should say i WAS one or two steps to becoming of that despised status in society. Not including the part about getting involved with affairs of the underdogs of society. No way, in any hell, will i do that. I've HAD a couple of friends who tainted themselves with such company, but i am not one of them.

On the other hand, in susbstitution, i turned to the 'wonders' of alcoholism'. I can say i know quite a fair bit of the commercial world that revolves around this element of self destruction and wastage to one's life when taken at the rate i used to consume. I must also add the other side of undesirable consequences that follows when you awake, not knowing it was already 2pm the next day. With such powerful atrocities, comes other forms of decadence, naturally.

I was overwhelmed by alcohol's momentary ability to eliminate the sorrow,emotional turmoil, confusions of my contradicting senses as to what i do and what i think i ought not to do. They were frequently on loggerheads - my actions vs my conscience. They were momentary reliefs, like a breather for me to preserve my sanity.

I was in an aimless search for an avenue that can take me away. Away from all these monstocities of emotional torture and mental harangue. It was futile. In fact, i fell deeper into the chasm of darkness and brutal abuse internally.

I stopped after sometime. I stopped totally after i found you. A purpose and meaning for me to live, despite all these. Just because, i know it is worth it. To give up that life, for the better of me,you and us. Instantaneously, this song rang in my head - Because of you by Kelly clarkeson.You know, you're the wonderful-est thing i've ever come across. Nothing will deter that. Whatever happened in the past, has proved quite a bit about this love. I'm willing to wait for the day you finally know how much i feel for you. So,this song,is dedicated to you.Specially.

Thank you for coming down all the way to have breakfast with me early in the morning despite the long, taxing day you had on friday. It felt so great to see you again. The way you held my hand,the cheeky you i saw as i walked down the path towards you,the smile...I realised,i'm happy,'cos you made me happy.

Nobody's 'i love you' can be compared to yours. When they say it, its 3 words. When you say it, it's 2. It is a whole world of difference to me,baby;

Andrea Yim
6:32 PM