e s o p h o r i a -all about my imperfections as a confused sinner.

I shall share my desktop's wallpaper.I find it quite nice... I know Faith looks a little strangled. I wasn't!!!I'm innocent! :p

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1

Its been a while since i've talked to someone about my recent struggles,besides my blog.I was reminded about casting all my burdens,hurts and fears upon God today. I went home, showered well...and spent sometime in the solitude and serenity of my cosy room. I knelt down, surrendering all my fears,hurts and pain to Him. He said, "Come to me all who are heavy laden,that you may have life, and have it ABUNDANTLY."

My hands were clasped tightly and many thoughts and unbearably hurting events ran through my head once again. That familiar surge of emotions... disappointment,fear,deceit,biased favour,ignorance... It was as if an inaudible harangue rang through the sonorous metallic skull of mine. I was one step further from humanity. The ability to feel,hear,smell,taste...

What if my parents gave up on me one day? What if i didnt do well in school? What if i didnt live up to my teacher's expectations?What if i did something wrong,that was an undesirable example to my younger sister? What will others say? What if he's not there for me anymore,one day? What if... ...i fall,again?

I told God, i can't take it. I begged Him not to blame me if i disobeyed by taking this life that He's given unto me.

She was right about it. I told her how i felt about everything. I realised, i've never felt angry. And it had been quite some time i got angry over sometime. Or... i never did know what it felt like to be angry. The hurts and pain have over-ridden my ability to feel angry.

I picture myself,a little toddler like all the rest...learning how to walk. Somehow, i keep falling no matter how hard i try. Suffering bruises,hurt from learning and mastering the basic ability of being able to walk and run...that will free me,in this world. Free to explore the ends of the earth.

Everyone wants to learn how to walk.The ability to explore what's in store for us in such a wonderfully created world, a rewarding gift for the effort. But as for me, i'm getting tired, weary...of this trying-to-walk. I'm giving up,Lord. I am. I don't want to try anymore. Its okay if i don't walk like others do. I can do,crippled, my entire life. I'm prepared to live this way... ...

Since this is not a private blog, as there is no such thing as a private blog (yes,i agree with you). haha. :) so, i shall not disclose too much.

i'm loosing grip. hold me baby, are you holding me tight enough? ;

Andrea Yim
8:34 PM