I struggled within...looked at my heart...and cried in disappointment.
Perhaps i was right in one of my previous post. I thought...the world would be a better place without me. My presence in this world has caused nothing but hurts to many.
As i sat,slumped at the usual corner of my room,as weariness in me hinted that it was way past my bedtime. I glanced at my watch to verify the suspicion. Indeed, it was half past 1 in the early hours of the new day.
I couldn't close my eyes. The towering tides of unrest were not receding. All the memories...all the people i've hurt... I wonder if i will ever gather enough courage to tell them I'm sorry and ask for their forgiveness. I know i shouldn't be the one crying now, cos i was the one who caused all the hurts. But these tears just seem to stream down my cheeks freely,as if they had a life of their own, i can't control.
I wonder how long it whould take for me to apologise to all of them. To tell them i'm sorry... and to ask them for yet another chance to be a good friend/companion/daughter/girlfriend.
It was the hand of God that touched me so deeply, i realised how merciful He has been to me. To have sent so many people into my life to show me His care and concern. Be it christians or non-believers... People from church, Janice,pastor Chong Yew, Simpson, Feri...others like Lina, Mercy... -those who knows what its like and have been through it. And uncle victor,Jeremiah aka Jerry, and...my dear cousin ,Li Bing!! And to all the people who reads my blog... thanks.
I wanna thank a special group of people seperately, Lynne, Esther, Melissa W., Steffi,Jorene, ... ...Karissa.
Then again, my hearlt felt gratitude is doused by the colossal amount of guilt in me. My spirit is crushed by the unbearably heavy burden of hurts...I hate myself.
If the world would end tomorrow, I would wanna tell my parents i'm sorry for being a failure,mas a daughter. sorry for hurting them time and time again. To Gabriel, it might not hurt anymore, but I still want to say sorry. It wasn't your fault. To Terence, we are only friends, and we can only go this far. To Kervin, I've betrayed your trust. To my sister Joanne, i was never a good example for u to follow...i know i have neglected you and hurt you too. My brother...im sorry. *takes a deep breath* To Colin, I'm sorry. I thought i would never hurt you like the rest did, i didn't want to. It was never my intention but... ... I'm terribly sorry.And to Daniel, too.
As i stare into thin air long and hard, i hope i never regret making decisions in life, cos i dont' want to look back. It hurts too much.
If the doors of heavens were to open now, I really would not know where to hide. The light of glory that cascades down whould be likean admonishing hand that'd slap me - a filthy sinner.
All i can do now is to seek their forgiveness, as i try to be a good friend to them - the least i can do to thank them.
Andrea Yim
8:40 PM
