e s o p h o r i a -all about my imperfections as a confused sinner.

"We Believe"

There's a woman crying out tonight

Her world has changed

She asks God why

Her only son has died

And now her daughter cries

She can't sleep at night

Downtown

Another day for all the suits and ties

Another war to fight

There's no regard for life

How do they sleep at night

How can we make things right?

Just wanna make this right

We believe

In this love

We are all the same

Human in all our ways and all our pain

(So let it be)

There's a love that could fall down like rain

(Let us see)

Let forgiveness wash away the pain

(What we need)

And no one really knows what they are searching for

(We believe)

This world is crying for so much more

We believe

In this love

We believe

In this love

So this world

Is too much

For you to take

Just lay it down and follow me

I'll be everything you need

In every way

We believe

In this love

(In this love)

We believe(In this love)

Andrea Yim
9:16 PM

not a day goes by...

Not a day goes by without thinking of him. That's the truth...and i've got nothing to hide. Its how i feel whether you like it or not.

Daniel, you told me that you want me to tell you everything i feel... so, I'm gonna tell you everything, including this. I'm not hiding it from you, or anyone else. Its open for everyone to read.

You said you want to be there for me even as i go throught this difficult period. Thank you so much... but, I think there's a limit to what you can do. Its still me, at the end of the day. I'm telling you this, because i don't wanna hurt anyone else,anymore.

I really don't know.

Andrea Yim
3:59 PM

It was the first time i cried in public- for you,i did..

After that fateful night, I thought everything would be alright. Serenity would return in the calm night.

I was so so wrong.

The nights seem so long. The need for sleep never seemed so trival. Now, i know why people say "the truth always hurts". It does. So damn freaking much.

How i wish someone would just run up to me and wrap their arms around me. Someone who would tell me a blatant lie, that 'everything's alright'... I wanna believe that so much. But i just can't. I can't.

I cried, i cried so hard, like i never cried before. I was on the bus,staring at the familiar structures as they stream past. I closed my eyes,as the agony felt so real. I felt so alone, in the pain.

The long walk home from the bus stop was excruciating. I was sweating from the heat of the bright scorching sun. But i felt as if there was nothing but darkness that engulfed me. I didn't know what led me on while walking. It must have been divine intervention,that worked on my limbs to bring me back home,the right house. I called out for him,over and over again. To find that, i was crying like a baby. But no one heard. No one.

Faith didn't run to me and jump on me in excitement when i came home. Perhaps she knew what i';ve done. How much i've hurt you...how much i've hurt the rest...

If i were to start leading a wasted life of debauchery now, it'd be worth it. I don't think its a great loss. at all.

Andrea Yim
1:06 PM

I can't play the songs

Looking at your picture laying on my bed

Wishing I was pulling close the real you instead

I don’t know what I said or did

But girl I’m missing you

And I like to hear my music

But there’s nothing I can listen to

Cos I can’t play the song I used to play because of you

The lonesome feeling starts before the intro halfway thru

Everyone reminds me of the things we used to do together

And I can’t go to places that I used to take you to

Cos everywhere the faces there they all look just like you

Until your heart comes back where it belongs

I can’t play the songs

Everywhere I’m drivin’ I go a different way

I can’t turn on my radio, afraid what they might play

My friends all drive me crazy cause you’re all they ask about

And why I live in silence but they just don’t understand

Without you, I can’t play the song I used to play because of you

The lonesome feeling starts before the intro halfway thru

No one can replace you cause once I tried

And even when I try to go with someone new

You are so deep in my head

I looked into her eyes but then I said your name instead

Until your heart comes back where it belongs

I can’t play the songs

There’s nothing left that

I can do cause I so lost in love with you

No where to turn, no place to run

You know you are my only one

I can’t play the song you used to sing along with me

Cause’ everyone is always bringin’ back the memory

Until your heart is back where it belongs

I can’t play the songs (won’t you please come back to me)

Andrea Yim
12:34 PM

"We Belong Together"

I didn't mean it

When I said I didn't love you so

I should have held on tight

I never should've let you go

I didn't know nothing

I was stupid

I was foolish

I was lying to myself

I couldn't have fathomed that

I would ever

Be without your love

Never imagined I'd be

Sitting here beside myself'

Cause I didn't know you

'Cause I didn't know me

But I thought I knew everything

I never felt

The feeling that I'm feeling

Now that I don't

Hear your voice

Or have your touch and kiss your lips

Cause I don't have a choice

Oh, what I wouldn't give

To have you lying by my side

Right here, 'cause baby

[Chorus:]When you left

I lost a part of me

It's still so hard to believe

Come back baby please, 'cause

We belong together

Who else am I gonna lean on

When times get rough

Who's gonna talk to me on the phone

Till the sun comes up

Who's gonna take your place

There ain't nobody better

Oh baby, baby

We belong together

I can't sleep at night

When you are on my mind

Bobby Womack's on the radio

Singing to me'If you think you're lonely now

'Wait a minute

This is too deep, too deep

I gotta change the station

So I turn the dial

Trying to catch a break

And then I hear Babyface

I only think of you

And it's breaking my heart

I'm trying to keep it together

But I'm falling apart

I'm feeling all out of my element

I'm throwing things

Crying

Trying to figure out

Where the hell I went wrong

The pain reflected in this song

Ain't even half of what

I'm feeling insideI need you

Need you back in my life baby

[Chorus][Repeat chorus]When you left

I lost a part of me

It's still so hard to believe

Come back baby please, 'cause

We belong together

Who am I gonna lean on

When times get rough

Who's gonna talk to me

Till the sun comes up

Who's gonna take your place

There ain't nobody better

Oh baby, babyWe belong together

Andrea Yim
12:25 PM

"Home"

Another summer day

Has come and gone away

In Paris and Rome

But I wanna go home

Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by

A million people I

Still feel all alone

I just wanna go home

Oh I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you

Each one a line or two“I’m fine baby, how are you?”

Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough

My words were cold and flat

And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplaneAnother sunny place

I’m lucky I know

But I wanna go home

Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home

I’m just too far from where you are

I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life

It’s like I just stepped outside

When everything was going right

And I know just why you could not

Come along with me

But this was not your dream

But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come

And gone away

And even Paris and Rome

And I wanna go home

Let me go home

And I’m surrounded byA million people

IStill feel alone

Oh, let me go home

Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go homeI’ve had my run

Baby, I’m done

I gotta go home

Let me go home

It will all be allright

I’ll be home tonight

I’m coming back home

Andrea Yim
12:19 PM

"The Day You Went Away"

[VERSE 1]Well I wonder could it be

When I was dreaming 'bout you baby

You were dreaming of me

Call me crazy, call me blind

To still be suffering is stupid after all of this time

[PRE-CHORUS 1]Did I lose my love to someone better

And does she love you like I do

I do, you know I really really do

[CHORUS]Well hey

So much I need to say

Been lonely since the day

The day you went away

So sad but true

For me there's only you

Been crying since the day

The day you went away

[VERSE 2]I remember date and time

September twenty second

Sunday twenty five after nine

In the doorway with your case

No longer shouting at each other

There were tears on our faces

[PRE-CHORUS 2]And we were letting go of something special

Something we'll never have again

I know, I guess I really really know

[CHORUS]

The day you went away

[PRE-CHORUS 1][CHORUS][BRIDGE]

Why do we never know what we've got 'til it's gone

How could I carry on

The day you went away

Cause I've been missing you so much I have to say

Been crying since the day

The day you went away

Andrea Yim
12:08 PM

I struggled within...looked at my heart...and cried in disappointment.

Perhaps i was right in one of my previous post. I thought...the world would be a better place without me. My presence in this world has caused nothing but hurts to many.

As i sat,slumped at the usual corner of my room,as weariness in me hinted that it was way past my bedtime. I glanced at my watch to verify the suspicion. Indeed, it was half past 1 in the early hours of the new day.

I couldn't close my eyes. The towering tides of unrest were not receding. All the memories...all the people i've hurt... I wonder if i will ever gather enough courage to tell them I'm sorry and ask for their forgiveness. I know i shouldn't be the one crying now, cos i was the one who caused all the hurts. But these tears just seem to stream down my cheeks freely,as if they had a life of their own, i can't control.

I wonder how long it whould take for me to apologise to all of them. To tell them i'm sorry... and to ask them for yet another chance to be a good friend/companion/daughter/girlfriend.

It was the hand of God that touched me so deeply, i realised how merciful He has been to me. To have sent so many people into my life to show me His care and concern. Be it christians or non-believers... People from church, Janice,pastor Chong Yew, Simpson, Feri...others like Lina, Mercy... -those who knows what its like and have been through it. And uncle victor,Jeremiah aka Jerry, and...my dear cousin ,Li Bing!! And to all the people who reads my blog... thanks.

I wanna thank a special group of people seperately, Lynne, Esther, Melissa W., Steffi,Jorene, ... ...Karissa.

Then again, my hearlt felt gratitude is doused by the colossal amount of guilt in me. My spirit is crushed by the unbearably heavy burden of hurts...I hate myself.

If the world would end tomorrow, I would wanna tell my parents i'm sorry for being a failure,mas a daughter. sorry for hurting them time and time again. To Gabriel, it might not hurt anymore, but I still want to say sorry. It wasn't your fault. To Terence, we are only friends, and we can only go this far. To Kervin, I've betrayed your trust. To my sister Joanne, i was never a good example for u to follow...i know i have neglected you and hurt you too. My brother...im sorry. *takes a deep breath* To Colin, I'm sorry. I thought i would never hurt you like the rest did, i didn't want to. It was never my intention but... ... I'm terribly sorry.And to Daniel, too.

As i stare into thin air long and hard, i hope i never regret making decisions in life, cos i dont' want to look back. It hurts too much.

If the doors of heavens were to open now, I really would not know where to hide. The light of glory that cascades down whould be likean admonishing hand that'd slap me - a filthy sinner.

All i can do now is to seek their forgiveness, as i try to be a good friend to them - the least i can do to thank them.

Andrea Yim
8:40 PM

Battered by emotional torture

Indeed, my emotional status, now, like a barren land, acrid and dry. Like a holocaust that hit so hard, without any warning. Instantly,everything that stood firmly rooted to the ground, simply fell apart.

I was astonished by such great power ; the way this natural phenomenon cripple me in such a brutal,assertive manner.

I can't say 'no' to this undescribably horrid feeling that hit me so abruptly. I wan't even prepared. Now, like that piece of debris-littered land, I'm devastated. All hopes seemed to be suctioned out instantly. Fears began to taunt and belittle what pathetic amount of faith that's left within me.

I never knew the origin of such dreaded disasters. Probably, it was never meant to be. I'm starting to believe so, due to the fact that i am still entrapped in this mystery. I'm just afraid that it's repeated occurences will not hinder the wonderful blessings showered unto me. What if... i do not have the strength to heave myself out of such instances...

The image of that land,vividly etched in my memory.It used to be a land of flourishing greenery, where light hearted chirping of the sparrows that flutter around, roam carefreely. Their ceaseless bouts of energy, inducing a tantalizing atmosphere that cheers the heavy hearted. Flowers bloom at your feet,slowly opening up to the direction of the sun , so positively vibrant. Morning dew settle upon the grassbed, glistening in the warm gentle rays... ...

It used to... God,what happened? Why?

then again, i begin to ponder, going round in the dark, circling endlessly,clinging onto the hope to find the answer that i've been pining for.. I shall leave it to you, Father... I lay my burdens in your mighty hands,ashamed as i kneel at your feet, i cry and feel comforted.You heard me O Lord, this i know.

Andrea Yim
10:11 PM

Gosh, why am i feeling this way again??? I really feel like going back to those times...there i drown myself numb with unthinkable amounts of liquor... and wake up the next morning feeling...nothing. The kind of music.....the kind of people...the kind of company... they make you feel good. I've never felt this lousy before....arrgh

Andrea Yim
9:01 PM

Oh God...what am I supposed to do?

Perhaps I'm just paranoid. I don't know. I care for them, knowing the true colours of that company they mix with. The incorrigible, unbelievable liar, who could convince almost anyone, anything beyond your imagination. I wonder why it didn't hit me this badly when I just got to know about it. I was one of the many victims of that bastard, I knew everything ...

but...

Do they know?? They don't. I guess, they don't believe he's such a character...

A false front, is what he has put up, pretty well, i must say. I'm furiated. How i wish i could RIP his 'mask' into a thousand million pieces with what aggression i've cultivated in me, over the years. I know everything. I know him like an open book, almost. :) I really feel like hollering at him

"Let my friends go!!!"

How i wish I could do something...to warn them of this foreboding danger i sense.. I do not wish to jeopardize this friendship. I treasure them as friends...but feel utterly useless, just sitting by awaiting for something drastic to happen...sigh, that terrible mement. I hope and pray so hard it never comes.

God!!! ... ...Please help me.All i can do is pray...

I'll definitely stand by these dear friends, and hopethat my presence be a comfort to them when needed. I'll definitely be there.

I'm crushed by devastation,my vision now,blurred by tears of helplessness. I feel like a handicap who can do nothing. My eyes twinkled under the dim orange lights in my room. I huddled up, alone in the 'cosy corner' of my room, which was specially made for two. The idea of isolation blocked out everything else in my head...

IF ONLY, i backed away from everyone... ...

- i wouldn't feel so terrible now

-i wouldn't feel hurt,emotionally.

-buggers wouldn't be getting on my nerves(refer to the post on 20th Jan)

-i wouldn't have to settle relationship issues

-i wouldnt have to care what others think about /prefer...

It would be a self centered life, a self centered person - ME. I loathe/detest/abhor such intolerable behaviour.

oh, waht a contradiction...Perhaps, its a fight within me. So deep, you won't have the slightest idea despite a hard stare into my eyes.

Then again, depression slithers up to my shoulders as it slowly engulfs the whole of me.

Its late, I'm weary. I can't lift that sword anymore.

I can't fight it.God, i can't!!!!!!

Andrea Yim
10:54 PM