What is the problem with you?!Tell me!!
This is the question that keeps ringing in my ears - from all the yelling. Its frequently asked by the authorities. I can't seem to figure out. I keep thinking, racking my brains for a much anticipated answer, but to no avail. I guess they just do not want to face reality and accept their daughter for who she really is.
Maybe I'm in the wrong. Maybe I shouldn't be who i am.
A huge segment of humanity revolves around parents,whose relations are usually the closest. Sadly, its not the case here. Its a wish... an unrealistic dream like those in a fairy tale. Its too late to mend it. So, learn from it.I did learn from it.But the culprit will never swallow their bloody pride for once.and admit it.
Everyone has an important personage in their life - at my stage of life,its usually the parents. Personally,its not them. It can't be. I can't comprehend the emotions that are stirred up within me now - The same familiar feeling whenever I see them.I just feel... ... ... ... nothing. Empty and deviod of emotions.
I just don't understand why they would want us, children, to be so perfect people when they do not appear a splendid examplar at all. Whatever they do are due to the concerns of commercial, financial or the mere superficial purposes. To appear 'the high almighty' and 'holy'. Elegance and arrogance made the better of them.
I never agreed there's some established method as to how one should live their lives. Its their choice,their life. So why is one trying to govern mine, instill THEIR mindsets into me? That's not how i want to live my life,not the values that i treasure, not the way i want to treat the world. No,thank you.
Did you ever teach me how to make decisions MYSELF? Did you ever asked me how's school? Did you ever want to know my friends out of gratitude? - it was all because you wanted to make sure what I was doing in school.
All you did was ask me about results and homework. My darkest moments were spent alone, myself or with my friends. Information I could never divulge, in fear of being rejected or reprimanded.
Young and rash, i was. Lost and sick,tried committing suicide by taking half a dozen strips of panadols in my room. Prior to that,I didn't eat all my meals at all.You never knew. What was going on in my life, you didn't notice. All you asked was a rare and casual "how are you"... conveniently blurted out whenever it was too silent in the car. Far too disconcerted to wonder if the passenger and driver really knew each other. Perhaps they're strangers.
I didn't bother to answer, but just heave a helpless sigh and reply, "I'm ok" and smile it off weakly and meaningless. I knew if i really told you my problems, you would probably stop halfway by the road and start telling me off, not to be so troublesome and not to attract such unneccessary trouble into my life and not bother about others. I was told only to care about myself. Furthermore, i didn't want the usual reckless driving to surface.I always knew you can never talk and drive. But till today, you still do it.That isn't a grave mistake, i guess. But it tells me alot about you.So i figured its better that i just shut up and not waste anymore efforts. It wouldn't work. In case you didn't know, it looks really ugly on the road.
How i wish i could eradicate such memories as and when i wish to. Life is about liberty and obligations. What you chose to commit to...and what not,depending on how you would want to lead your life. I know how i want to lead mine. You don't know. And you wouldn't permit. Because to you, i don't have a choice as to how i want to life my life. Its dominated by your actions and thinking, which i loathe/detest. It's just not me.
We're so different.
Andrea Yim
3:38 PM
