e s o p h o r i a -all about my imperfections as a confused sinner.

As usual, the rain has been much of a hassle lately - i hate carrying umbrellas around. I'm numb now, mentally and physically.I can't seem to figure out what's wrong with me, or the world. Perhaps its both. I'm not too sure.

This idiotic PERSON kept bugging me today. And it made me wonder, is it still racism if I discriminate against people of MY OWN RACE.Interesting huh? heh.

Things are not turning out the way i want them to be, but God didn't promised that things would be smooth sailing too. Yes, and its one of those moments whereby you sit down and start thinking... "Why?".

How I wish I could isolate myself and detach my association from everyone...then there would be no constraints, no conflicting ideas/decisions, no ... ... is the problem just me being hasty about growing up? I can't wait to live, on my own. Away from my parents...

I don't see a point of reconciling and building the bond between us anymore. Go on and say that I'm rebellious.But building the bond is done since we were young,when we start accepting them as parents. What about them? Now the problem is this. People listen to them more because they go on hollering relentlessly - and i don't. In addition to that, I don't seem to understand what is the fucking liking they took to exaggerate ,to make things WORSE. I think they really hate me. Why do they always want to pin me down for the little things i do? Why do they like to disrupt the plans i have laid out and made known?

Just because they think its the best for me? Love, in this manner will not be reciprocated because it is not even felt. In turn, adverse effects will result. It has been history. Now, repeated. Another chance is left. One more. that's all. I hope they do not screw up the last chance they have, not to make the same OLD MISTAKES they have committed twice.

Soon, all of us will turn our backs against them. Financial support is all that will be given. Nothing else. If i ever had kids, I'd prefer that they stay away. Partly due to such upbringing, i admit that its not easy being a parent.But, on the other hand, I don't think i will make a good parent.

Parenting is not about intimidating, using monetary terms to gain something you want , and instilling fear so that the child would obey. Parenting is about a bond of understanding what each other wants and thus sharing the life, accepting each other for who they really are.

In my case, I know who I am. She's not the type of people who accepts people for who they really are. She has a 'criteria' for everyone she sees. Once someone APPEARS like a punk or dress down a little, she would belittle them. She somehow reminds me of the pharasees.

I hate to become like her...the way she does things, cover up her ass or change to another topic where she can still prove your misdeeds. Judgemental? I don't wish to accomodate with such homosapiens in fear of subcinscious influence - which can be rather contagious and thus, deadly.

Perhaps I'm just beginning to find out who my mom really is. I am grateful for ehr good intentions... but its time she gets the message through her fucking nutshell that we, too, ahve brains. Yes, we need her guidance. and please, guidance is not control. There's a stark contrast.

All in all, I'm very disappointed and utterly speechless... ... I feel i have been deceived. They are not who i thought they WERE. And i am not who they thought i was. The bond of understanding was never there. All the care, were superficial. Emphasis were on results and a freaking nerdy appearance that we should upkeep - in fear that OTHERS will KNOW that we are of better 'quality'.

I'm not. As from previous posts about my perspectives on how i would like to live my life. Superficial terms are definitely not my cup of tea. What's more important is the meaning behind all that i do.

It's the thought that counts.

Andrea Yim
9:55 AM