e s o p h o r i a -all about my imperfections as a confused sinner.

Mr Doc,please place her first...its critical.

That was the plead to the doctor on duty at TTSH last night at the A and E department.I rushed down at around 8 plus,immediately after work.Stood by a controversial argument about an urgent operation.Her stomach was disgustingly bloated,and she was in distinctive agony as she whined from time to time.Yes, it was my plead,to the doctor.There were 10 people before her.But it was obvious she couldn't take the pain anymore.These 10 people were handcuffed by burly policemen with terribly stern looking faces.They were a bunch of juvenile delinquents who didn't seem like they needed immediate attention.Guess they were caught for drug abuse.Its was written all over their pale faces scarred with dark eye rings which betrayed the sleepless nights of hardcore partying and whatever else. I have been neglecting my blog recently due to the failing health of this particular person.*sighs* Maybe I've been taking everything for granted.

I wasn't always there when she needed me.Thinking back,there were so many chances i could talk and spend time with her...but i never did treasure them. Now, i'm not sure if i will ever get the chance to again. it all happened so abruptly.In the next 72 hours, she might be operated again. And its a fact,unless a miracle happens, she will not survive.

A tingling sensation wells up in my stomach as it travels slowly up, to my nose.I withdraw with much reaction as i stretch out for the tissue box.

As these tears cascade freely down my cheeks,like streams that faintly meander down a map of a beautiful landscape.I wonder if she knows,that,these tears I shed,are specially for her.And its all that i can offer.I feel so helpless.

I do not wish for history to repeat itself.To the Pom-Berrians,If i ever made you feel that i don't care about the people around me, all those who have truly cared about me(you guys),I'm sorry. I just want to let all of you know that,I didn't want to pull you guys down with all these problems. Its a totally different set of problems that you guys face in life,at this point in time. I felt that,its my problems, and its only right that i settle them myself.Guess,i was wrong.I didn't know how you guys will feel.

As for OTHERS,i don't know if YOU are reading this.But,i've never meant to hurt anyone,perhaps its my insensitivity.When i was with you,I was still feeling very lost-in fact even more lost.I made it seem as if I felt better after your efforts comforting me,because i didn't want to lose the company and you being around for me.Being with you,seriously, I don't know how to react to your different actions.Sometimes, i wonder if i should leave you alone and be alone myself when we hang out, due to ur nature and habit of being alone.I dont know what to do.*should i go along with my wishes and enjoy your company and share my thoughts*Whatever the case is,I've drawn the line.what's most important is that...I wanna let you know that i still do care for you,for whoever you are. But its up to you if you allow it and accept me for who i am. I'm always here,as a confidante,hang out partner(dunno if i'll make a good one)...or...gamer. :)

Somebody told me this,which I found rather helpful. In reality, we have different phases of life,both good and bad. But they all happen for a reason. Every phase has an end, just like placing a fullstop to written sentences. If a fullstop is not placed,a new phase of life can never begin, leaving you stuck in the present problem brooding over it in self pity. Everyone is unique and special, and their existences proves that they must burn bright. :) There you go.

Paperwork and more paperwork for me everyday.There's an aviation exhibition going on these days at Suntec. The entrance fee is US$75 per bloody head.

I'll take leave here.its my fifth trip to the hospital for the past 20 hours.Fatigue has overwhelmed me,face it.I 'll get by,somehow.I will.And grow to be a stronger person...Will be making my way down to the hospital soon.

As my character and personality develops... ...

For the time being,i'll sit by and watch how it shapes up.Take care people,I'm always here.

Andrea Yim
12:21 PM